I’ve Been Meaning to Tell You, I’m a Robot.

Hey honey, how was your day? Good I hope. Look, can we sit down and talk about something. It’s kind of important.

I don’t know how to say this, I guess I better just come right out with it.

I’m a robot.

You’re rolling your eyes.

Seriously honey, ever since we have known each other, I have been an artificial life-form. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

You really didn’t have any idea? Really? You don’t believe me even? Ok, let’s go over some examples of times in which one might deduct that I was a robot. Actually that last thing I said was a pretty good example of robotic speech. But I digress.

Do you remember that time we were doing the word search and I solved it really quick? Well to be honest I was fibbing. I had it solved as soon as my retinal scanner processed the page in my main CPU, but I told you it only took me 5 minutes. That was really fast for how many words you had to find. I am surprised I didn’t give myself away right then.

Still don’t believe me eh?

Well ok, how bout this: Do you remember when we were on our honeymoon and the security alarm kept beeping as I tried to walk though the gate at the airport? Well it wasn’t because the machine was broken like the guard thought-it was because I am made of titanium alloy inside. Seriously.

Ok, ok. That one is kind of hard to prove minus a scene right out of Terminator 2, which is a great movie by the way. The terminator is actually very similar to the type of robot I am. Living tissue on the outside, robot parts on the inside. It’s pretty cool really.

Still not convinced huh? Hmm.

What about the time I melted those candy bars with the heat vision from my eyes. What? Of course it wasn’t heat from my pocket. That is ridiculous. Look I am trying to have a serious conversation with you about me being a robot. If you don’t want to have this conversation, then maybe I should just go out with the guys tonight. What?! Of course I didn’t make this up to try to get out of dinner at your parents house! That is offensive to me and my sensory functions. I am trying to inform you that our entire life together I have been comprised of titanium alloy and nanotechnology! Fine! Maybe I will go out with the guys and leave you here with your parents! I’ll be back after the game. See ya!

Questions for Which There is No Appropriate Time.

Someone once said, and then it was repeated by teachers for millions of years after that, “there is no such thing as a stupid question.”  This may in fact be true, for it is untested by the scientific method.  What is true is that there are questions which though not inherently stupid, there is no appropriate time in which they should be asked.  Perhaps a sampling would suffice, listed by level of obviousness in which it is inappropriate to ask:

 

Very Obvious-

“Why can I not shoot my mother?”

“What constitutional right would you like to give up today?”

“Isn’t “The New Adventures of Old Christine’ awesome?”

 

Mildly Obvious-

“Do you think robots are planning to destroy humanity?”  (Apologies, for this is a very important question.)

“How ’bout a quick game of Risk?”

“You like pizza?”  (seriously, this is almost in the “very obvious category–who doesn’t like pizza?)

 

Not Very Obvious-

“Are you pregnant?”

“Would you help me mercy-kill my dog?”

“What’s for dinner?”  (First, its supper, not dinner.  Also, everyone already knows that beef is what’s for dinner.)

So there you have a small sampling of questions which are almost always inappropriate.  Happy questioning!